Dealing with a kid who refuses to listen can be so frustrating, it can send parents into a meltdown of their own. But it turns out, the way we talk to our kids may be to blame for them not cooperating. And we’re not talking about yelling and screaming, it’s the specific language we say that’s the problem.
Conscious Parenting Coach Reem Raouda has found several traditional phrases parents use can trigger a child’s fight-or-flight response, activating the part of the brain that focuses on survival, not learning. Saying them to kids immediately makes them not want to listen. In her research on hundreds of parent-child relationships, she’s found that parents who “rarely deal with defiance don’t make threats, bribes or harsh consequences.” Intead, they use language that makes kids really want to cooperate.
These phrases instantly make kids not want to listen and this is what to say instead:
- “Because I said so” - All this does is shut down communication, but if you explain your reasoning, even briefly, it helps your kid feel respected without negotiating or debating. Instead try saying: “I know you don’t like this decision. I’ll explain, and then we’re moving forward.”
- “If you don’t listen, you’ll lose (X privilege)” - Threats like this create defiance and force kids into defense mode, but you can remove the power struggle by saying “When you’re ready to do (X specific behavior), we can do (X desired activity.)” This puts the ball in the child’s court and they can make it happen when they’re ready.
- “Stop crying. You’re fine” - When you dismiss a child’s emotions, it teaches them that their feelings are wrong or too much to deal with. Instead try saying: “I see you’re really upset. Tell me what’s happening.” This helps them feel heard, calm down faster and trust you more.
- “How many times do I have to tell you?” - This makes it seem like the kid is being difficult on purpose, when they might just be confused or not have the skill to do something. Instead of blaming them, saying “I’ve asked about this a few times. Help me understand what’s making this hard for you” helps to problem solve.
- “You know better than that” - This shames the child and assumes the worst in them. Instead try: “Something’s getting in the way of your best self right now. Let’s talk about it,” which sends the message you believe in them and are there to help.
Source: CNBC